Emotional Intelligence: Why It Matters & How To Cultivate It
- Melanin Mental Health and Wellness
- Apr 2
- 4 min read
One Sunday afternoon, an elementary school me was on the church bus heading home, chatting with the neighbor friend who had invited me to her church. Our conversation seemed to irritate the sandy blonde freckled faced boy sitting in the seat in front of us and he turned around and told me to shut up. I paused, gave him a glance and kept talking. He repeated himself, this time more forcefully. When I didn't comply, he said, "I told you to shut up, ni**er!" The bus fell silent, and I heard my friend gasp. Without missing a beat—perhaps as a way to downplay the weight of his words—I shot back, "Whatever, cracker." He responded, "I’d rather be a cracker than a ni*er."* To which I replied, "I’d rather be who I am than who you are." At the time, I didn’t realize I was demonstrating a level of emotional intelligence—recognizing, understanding, and managing my emotions in a tense moment. I was also, in a way, managing the emotions of those around me, showing them that I was okay, which, to be honest, helped them process the impact of what had just happened.
What Is Emotional Intelligence?
Emotional intelligence is the ability to recognize, understand, and manage your emotions while also being able to navigate the emotions of others. It includes self-awareness, self-regulation, motivation, empathy, and social skills. For people of color, emotional intelligence is more than just a personal development tool—it’s a survival skill. Whether in the workplace, relationships, or daily interactions, being emotionally intelligent can help navigate systemic barriers, micro-aggressions, and societal pressures while maintaining mental and emotional well-being.
Why Emotional Intelligence Matters for People of Color
Navigating Systemic Barriers - In this current political climate, developing emotional intelligence is especially important to manage the challenges associated with workplace discrimination, racial bias, and limited access to opportunities. Self-regulation and empathy can allow for more effective communication and advocacy in difficult situations, and in responding to these challenges with strategy rather than impulse.
Managing Micro-aggressions - Micro-aggressions are subtle, (sometimes) unintentional discriminatory comments/behaviors that are a common experience for many people of color. Emotional intelligence allows individuals to tame emotional responses in order to assess the situation, decide how to respond constructively, and maintain self-respect while educating others.
Strengthening Mental Health - Constant exposure to racial stress and discrimination takes a toll on mental health. Emotional intelligence helps in recognizing emotional triggers, processing difficult feelings, and practicing self-care. Being mindful of emotions can help avoid internalizing negative experiences and, instead, build resilience.
Building Stronger Relationships - Empathy and social skills are key components of emotional intelligence that help foster meaningful relationships - whether in family, friendships, or professional settings. Emotional intelligence improves communication, conflict resolution, and deeper connections.
Enhancing Leadership and Career Growth - In professional settings, emotional intelligence is often a deciding factor in leadership success. Many workplaces are not structured to fully support or understand the unique experiences of people of color, so being emotionally intelligent helps individuals navigate office politics, advocate for oneself, and lead with confidence.
How to Develop Emotional Intelligence
1. Increase Self-Awareness
Pay attention to your emotional reactions in different situations.
Journal your thoughts and feelings to recognize patterns.
Seek feedback from trusted/trustworthy friends on how you handle emotions.
2. Practice Self-Regulation
Pause before reacting to stressors.
Practice mindfulness and meditation/prayer.
Set boundaries to protect your energy and your peace.
3. Cultivate Empathy
Actively listen to other people's perspectives, even when they differ from your own.
Acknowledge the struggles of other marginalized groups and practice solidarity.
Educate yourself on different cultural and social experiences.
4. Strengthen Social Skills
Work on effective communication by expressing your needs clearly and respectfully.
Learn conflict resolution techniques that foster understanding.
Build a strong support network of like-minded individuals (find your village).
5. Stay Motivated and Resilient
Set goals that align with your values and identity.
Surround yourself with people who uplift and inspire you.
Celebrate your achievements and progress, no matter how small.
Closing Considerations
Emotional intelligence is a powerful tool for people of color and leads to resilience in the face of adversity. It strengthens relationships and stimulates personal and professional growth. Developing emotional intelligence helps us navigate challenges with confidence, advocate for ourselves, and build a future where emotional well-being is prioritized.
The memory I shared was powerful and it now makes sense why it came up while reflecting on emotional intelligence, especially in the context of people of color. In that moment, I navigated a deeply offensive and emotionally charged situation with a level of self-awareness, control, and even social awareness that many people might not be able to muster in the face of such blatant racism. My response wasn’t just about defending myself—it was about setting the tone for how that moment would be remembered. I didn't give in to rage or let the words define me; instead, I reclaimed the power in the conversation. That’s an example of emotional intelligence in action, especially in a world where people of color often have to manage not just their own emotions but also the emotions of those around them in the face of racial aggression.
Written by Carlita L. Coley, LPC
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About the Author
Carlita L. Coley is the Founder and Executive/Clinical Director of Melanin Mental Health and Wellness. A native of North Carolina with deep roots in Virginia, she is passionate about education and empowerment. Carlita uses her writing to document and explore the human experience.
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